Sunday, October 16, 2005

post the ninth

Every day is essentially the same to me. I wake up way too early, I stumble into the shower, get dressed (after exiting the shower), eat breakfast while seeing that I still don't have any new e-mails, and head off to class. I usually fall asleep in at least one class, generally German history (on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays) or linguistics (Tuesdays and Thursdays). I go to the library and answer a few questions, write something here, and so forth. Some days I go to work. Some days I don't. I come home, sometimes eat some food, sometimes do some homework, and go to sleep so I can do it all over again.

The days are so similar now that I can't tell them apart anymore. One night I was getting ready for bed and had to stop and think if I'd gone to work that day. If I had, then it would be a Monday or a Wednesday, so I would have to bring my Tuesday/Thursday stuff to class. I work at the same place as my roommate, so I asked him. He gave me a funny look and said that we'd only just gotten off of work a few hours before. I absolutely couldn't remember going. I'm sure I did, but I hadn't any memory of it. Everything feels like a big blur to me. It's a little weird, actually.

There's a song lyric that popped into my head as I was writing this: "I'm not living, I'm just killing time." Bonus points to you if you know who wrote it. I wonder if that's where I am right now. I think I'm enjoying myself, but I don't know how much living I'm really doing. No one wants to think of themselves as merely wasting time. I hope I've made some difference in someone's life recently/ever. I guess it's hard to get any sort of acknowledgement when you're anonymous, though. If I were to go by my real name, maybe I'd get more attention, or gratitude, or recognition, or whatever you want to call it. As it is, I hide behind my fake name and wonder if anything really matters.

This is the sort of thing I think about when it's quiet, I'm tired, and I'm the only one home who isn't asleep.

- Optimistic.


The Lolita said...

Wow, I'm glad someone else is experience this strange non-linearness.

morningglow said...


the pope said...

I wrote a post exactly like this last week but deleted it because I was afraid I sounded too depressed for the internet people. Sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin or do something of equal proportions to shake up the routine of my life. As yet I have found no solutions short of repelling off the SWKT or taking the couches from my house and burning them up in the canyon. If you think of something less illegal we shall begin the revolution and the blur will begin to clear.

Thirdmango said...

I would hope the quotation is Blur.

Kris Trevyn said...

Oh man. You're not the only one who feels like this, believe me. It was the worst for me last year, and it took leaving the country to snap me out of it. Since then I feel like I've fallen back into a rut, but I try to remember my goal of Furious Intensity: live your life with such a furious intensity that when you die, the world sits back and says "holy crap, that was nuts."

I don't know what to tell you, really. I mean, you should try to do something purely for you every day. And preferrably something new. And think that, when you are old and are dying on your bed in your billion dollar mansion, you don't want to look back on what are supposedly the best years of your life and think "argh, missed out on that. And that. Oh and that too."

And definitely always remember you're not the only one who feels like this.

(Also I never get any new emails either. What's up with that? Argh.)