Wednesday, April 15, 2009

(untitled 308)

Nirvana's "In Bloom", as sung by the author:

Sayyyy dakih bamoooooo
Wayyyy dachih samoooots
Say a chip again
Reap a duck and grass


Again, something
All our pretty guns
And he likes to sing along
And he likes to shoot his gun, but he
And I say
And I like our pretty sun, and he
Likes to sing along, and he
Likes to shoot his gun, but he

Meeee, kanab, samo
Nature is a whore
Eaaat some fruit
Tan the retch and bloom


etc., etc.

And now, Nirvana's "In Bloom" as performed by Nirvana:

Friday, April 10, 2009

(untitled 307)


Is there a better time to be a fan of the Portland Trail Blazers? Scientists, after an exhaustive study, have concluded that there is not.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

(untitled 306)

An email I just received from an education job site:

Here is a list of jobs that match districts that you have requested notifications on.

School(s): Liberty High School
Position Title: E0060 Head Cheer Coach / Liberty High School
Closing Date: 4/8/2009

Did I miss something, or is the entire world conspiring to shoehorn me into the cheer profession?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

(untitled 305)

More adventures in substituting:

Sometimes it's a lot of fun. Sometimes it's very boring. And sometimes, it's downright awful, like on Friday, when I was called in to teach a cheer class. (Guess when they told me it was a cheer class, and not a health class? Minutes before the class began. Thanks, friends.) I called an audible and made it into a study hall, which quickly turned into a dozen shallow girls talking about their boyfriends, boys they want to make into boyfriends, and which character from Twilight they would rather take to prom. I am not making this up. I'm so glad I didn't know any cheerleaders in high school. I've written about this elsewhere, but it's been a long-standing policy of mine to keep my distance from hot girls.

Today, however, was a fun day, as it usually is when I head to an elementary school. (Did I mention I got to go to my first day of kindergarten a while ago? My parents skipped me out of kindergarten straight into first grade, so I never got a chance to go.) I was teaching fourth grade today, and it turned out to be the experience I never had, but always wanted, when I was nine (or ten, or however old fourth graders are). They all thought I was cool and wanted to tell me jokes and stories. One of the boys asked me if I wanted to play basketball with them at recess. This was, of course, an opportunity I never had as a fourth grader, being a year younger and only 3'4" or so. It was also an awesome experience, since I love basketball, but don't have the physique to play like I'd like to be able to. Even if I were any good at the game, I'm short enough that I'd probably be a guard. I've always wanted to be a dominating center, grabbing the ball down low and stuffing it into the basket with a mighty flourish. Like I said before, I'm not an especially tall person, but when you're playing with kids that are 4'2", 5'9" is pretty intimidating.

So I got to play center. I got to go up for dunks down low and grab rebounds out of the air with ease. It was an awesome feeling. I think I put up a line of 2 points, 10 rebounds, and a couple of blocks in about ten minutes (while keeping injuries to a minimum). It also turns out fourth graders are my peers in terms of basketball skills. They can't make a shot to save their lives. Neither can I, thus the paltry two points.

So if you're looking for some easy and fun work, consider becoming a substitute teacher. You just might get a chance to dunk on a fourth grader's face. Or you might end up teaching cheer.