post the forty-fifth

I only had one class today, and it started at 8:00, so I was back home by 9:00. This left me with the entire day to work with. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do with it all, and seeing as how it's still only 2:30, I still don't know what I'm going to do with it. If anyone has something they're doing, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know, so I can find something for myself to do.

The real reason I'm writing this is because I was extremely tired this morning, as I stayed up entirely too late talking with Petra last night. I would have told her to go home earlier, but I wasn't terribly motivated to; talking with her is more entertaining than being alert for an education class. Anyhow, I had planned on getting up at the last possible second before class and just stumbling up there. My roommate, who also had a meeting at 8:00, decided to wake me up by leaving my door open this morning as he shaved. As I've mentioned earlier, when I'm running on little sleep, I get extremely irritable. The fact that I had just woken up didn't help anything. He kept trying to wake me up in various ways. I know he was just trying to help and that he didn't want me to be late for my class, but it just served to make me increasingly furious at life. I'd already decided that I was going to be enraged at everything when I woke up. I was tired, and I really didn't want to bother with anything. The only reason I went to class at all was because I had an assignment I had to turn in; were it not for that, I most certainly would have stayed at home and slept all morning.

So I walked up to campus with my roommate, inwardly seething at everything. I hated the way the snow was all slushy. I hated how warm it was. I hated the way drops from the trees would land on my head. However, in the midst of my basking in my own hatred, a friend of Uffish Thought's came up to us and started talking to us. I don't know her all that well, but I knew I couldn't be rude to her, so I had to keep my hatred in check. This only served to make me angrier, because I just wanted to be bitter about everything. Soon enough, we all went our separate ways and I was free to soak up all of my rage again.

I had promised myself earlier that I wouldn't speak during my class. I just wanted to sit there and be furious with life. However, as soon as I got into class, my professor informed us that we would be having small group discussions. This was a bad thing. I knew that I would have to make some sort of comment and do so in a friendly, affable manner, and I really didn't want to. I did my best to appear positive, but as soon as the class was over, I went back to my embittered self. I looked forward to a pleasant hate-filled walk home, but I saw two more people I knew and felt obligated to look cheerful as I saw them walk past.

I took a long nap as soon as I got home, and consequently I feel much better about life now. I just found it remarkable that I couldn't be angry at life despite my decision to be so. The fates have conspired against me to make me cheerful and positive.

Stupid fates.