(untitled 308)

Nirvana's "In Bloom", as sung by the author:

Sayyyy dakih bamoooooo
Wayyyy dachih samoooots
Say a chip again
Reap a duck and grass

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Again, something
All our pretty guns
And he likes to sing along
And he likes to shoot his gun, but he
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
And I say
HEEEEEEEEEEEE'S THE ONE
And I like our pretty sun, and he
Likes to sing along, and he
Likes to shoot his gun, but he
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS

Meeee, kanab, samo
Nature is a whore
Eaaat some fruit
Tan the retch and bloom

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY

etc., etc.

And now, Nirvana's "In Bloom" as performed by Nirvana:

(untitled 307)

BEAT LA! BEAT LA! BEAT LA!

Is there a better time to be a fan of the Portland Trail Blazers? Scientists, after an exhaustive study, have concluded that there is not.

(untitled 306)

An email I just received from an education job site:

Here is a list of jobs that match districts that you have requested notifications on.

District: HILLSBORO SD 1J
School(s): Liberty High School
Position Title: E0060 Head Cheer Coach / Liberty High School
Closing Date: 4/8/2009

Did I miss something, or is the entire world conspiring to shoehorn me into the cheer profession?

(untitled 305)

More adventures in substituting:

Sometimes it's a lot of fun. Sometimes it's very boring. And sometimes, it's downright awful, like on Friday, when I was called in to teach a cheer class. (Guess when they told me it was a cheer class, and not a health class? Minutes before the class began. Thanks, friends.) I called an audible and made it into a study hall, which quickly turned into a dozen shallow girls talking about their boyfriends, boys they want to make into boyfriends, and which character from Twilight they would rather take to prom. I am not making this up. I'm so glad I didn't know any cheerleaders in high school. I've written about this elsewhere, but it's been a long-standing policy of mine to keep my distance from hot girls.

Today, however, was a fun day, as it usually is when I head to an elementary school. (Did I mention I got to go to my first day of kindergarten a while ago? My parents skipped me out of kindergarten straight into first grade, so I never got a chance to go.) I was teaching fourth grade today, and it turned out to be the experience I never had, but always wanted, when I was nine (or ten, or however old fourth graders are). They all thought I was cool and wanted to tell me jokes and stories. One of the boys asked me if I wanted to play basketball with them at recess. This was, of course, an opportunity I never had as a fourth grader, being a year younger and only 3'4" or so. It was also an awesome experience, since I love basketball, but don't have the physique to play like I'd like to be able to. Even if I were any good at the game, I'm short enough that I'd probably be a guard. I've always wanted to be a dominating center, grabbing the ball down low and stuffing it into the basket with a mighty flourish. Like I said before, I'm not an especially tall person, but when you're playing with kids that are 4'2", 5'9" is pretty intimidating.

So I got to play center. I got to go up for dunks down low and grab rebounds out of the air with ease. It was an awesome feeling. I think I put up a line of 2 points, 10 rebounds, and a couple of blocks in about ten minutes (while keeping injuries to a minimum). It also turns out fourth graders are my peers in terms of basketball skills. They can't make a shot to save their lives. Neither can I, thus the paltry two points.

So if you're looking for some easy and fun work, consider becoming a substitute teacher. You just might get a chance to dunk on a fourth grader's face. Or you might end up teaching cheer.